In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. - Erma Bombeck
I come from a home where gravy is a beverage. - Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. - Erma Bombeck
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. - Erma Bombeck
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food - Erma Bombeck
When humor goes, there goes civilization. - Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? - Erma Bombeck
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change? - Erma Bombeck
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. - Erma Bombeck
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. - Erma Bombeck
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. - Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? - Erma Bombeck
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. - Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. - Erma Bombeck
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive. - Erma Bombeck
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises. - Erma Bombeck
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. - Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. - Erma Bombeck
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. - Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. - Erma Bombeck
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. - Erma Bombeck
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. - Erma Bombeck
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. - Erma Bombeck
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. - Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. - Erma Bombeck
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. - Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows - Erma Bombeck
Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. - Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. - Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck
I told you I was sick. - Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. - Erma Bombeck
Housework can kill you if done right. - Erma Bombeck
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. - Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me. - Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck